The 2011 Christmas Zombie Mall Shuffle

It’s Christmas again, and yesterday that meant it was time for She Who Must Be Obeyed to drag me off to (drum roll) The Mall.

As far as I am concerned malls are vampires that suck money and will-to-live, all glitz-and-mirror with endless rows of cheap jewellery shops, pedicure booths and smartphone outlets. They are identical from Melbourne to Luton – hey, I even found one in Bangkok (the Siam Centre) that could have been transplanted from anywhere else. All of them home to endless hordes of once-were-humans, the shopping dead who amble vacantly in witless circles, slack mouths breathing that dread word  – ‘credit caaaaaaard…’

Shopping in the mall for me consists of hurtling into the place, picking up essential bloke stuff (1/16 PzKW VI Tiger I model, engine oil, power tools, that sort of thing). Then getting out. Fast.

The Zombie Christmas Maul

She Who Must Be Obeyed has other ideas: ‘That’s a nice coat. Try to look interested. Now we need to get cards and. OOOH, SHINY! Yes, we need to get to the – er – Matthew, stop wandering off. CROCKERY SHOP! Oh how about those towels, we need new towels, why don’t we sit down at this coffee place or try that Indian take-away even though it made you sick last time and…IS THAT A FLYING SHARK?’

There is no escape. Malls are the Hotel California. Even if you can find an exit, it’s guarded by armies of young mums with toddlers zing-splat bungied to their wrists, four year olds who back into you, randomly squealing like ambulatory car alarms, dads with a blank look and hang-dog expression, honk-voiced teenage boys who smell, old ladies with walkers, lost husbands…and…and…

Bah humbug.

Copyright © Matthew Wright


9 thoughts on “The 2011 Christmas Zombie Mall Shuffle

  1. Zombies in the health food store, in search of GRAAAAAAINS.
    Zombies in the hardware store, needing to clear DRAAAAAAAAAAINS.
    Zombies in the pharmacy, looking for ointment for SPRAAAAAAAAINS.
    Zombie carollers, singing festive REFRAAAAAAAAAAINS.
    Zombies buying umbrellas, just in case it RAAAAAAAAAAINS.
    Zombie commuters, waiting for TRAAAAAAINS.
    It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…
    (shambles off, stage left)

  2. C’mon! The flying shark was cool! I’d like that just to fly it over toward my neighbor’s house after he’s drank a six-pack. I can hear the shrieks now. Kodak moment. Priceless.

    Thanks for the great idea!

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