Heads up folks – are you ready for the zombie apocalypse?

My sister has a plan for handling the zombie apocalypse when it comes to her home near Utrecht. A scheme for the instant when they burst into her workroom moaning ‘hersenen… heeeeersenen’ (well, they’re Dutch undead…)

She’s a fabric artist who dyes and spins artisan-craft wools. The spinning equipment, she tells me, is easily able to defeat the living dead. She hasn’t detailed her ideas – but I guess if you see a headline like ‘Soest zombies gemaakt om te breien’, you’ll know what happened.

Got me thinking. That apocalypse might happen anywhere. Do I have anything in my writing office to deal with the ravening dead? If I was in the US I’d give the zombies a burst with the kitchen cupboard Mac-10 before advancing on the undead horde with the family Mossberg .410. If I were an Australian I’d flick a couple of boomerangs, stuff the nearest zombie into the esky, slam the lid, then parade out in my budgie-smugglers and strike them all blind. Or if I were Bear Gryllis, I’d turn the first into a survival shelter, four into firewood, and make the rest into a helicopter to fly home..

However, I live in New Zealand. No spinning wheels. No guns. There are budgie-smugglers, but I don’t own any such shreddies and never will. Am I gonna die? No chance. You see, I have the ultimate anti-zombie device.  In fact every Kiwi home has one – and Peter Jackson showed us what any good Kiwi zombie hunter could do with one. Bwahahaha! Yup – the common or garden rotocut. Eat spinning steel, undead zombies!

So – when zombies burst into my writing office, I’ll be out the window, into the shed, and desperately tearing at the pull start on the old Masport. Ours is a bit hard to start…Hmmn… Niggling worry. And I do have one other little niggle too. If the living dead outnumber the living 1,500,000,000 to 1, who says somebody else will be the zombie? Just asking, you understand.

What would you do if the zombies burst in while you were quietly working on the computer?

Copyright © Matthew Wright 2012


17 thoughts on “Heads up folks – are you ready for the zombie apocalypse?

  1. I have, within arms length, a crowbar. If it was good enough for Gordon Freeman, it’s good enough for me.

  2. P.S, And at work I have a hatchet. They tell us that box under our desk is for our earthquake survival kit. Yeah, right. That’s “earthquake” with a “Z”…

  3. First advantage to living in Australia, and renting in a cheaper older ‘Queenslander’ (raised dwelling) The stairs! They are notoriously steep, loose and the handrails are likely to fall away if leant on by staggering zombies. Making access by the zombies very unlikely. However if access was gained, there are the highly effective ceiling fans, Bad luck for the staggering zombie horde , each ceiling fan has three or four metal blades, which (as demonstrated by ‘The Crimson Assurance Company pirates), make excellent cutlasses. Perfect for the ongoing decapitation required.

  4. I’ve got an iron replica convict’s ball and chain in my office. They are usually employed as a joke when schedules are tight, but could double as a fantastic zombie masher!

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