There’s no question that 2016 was a year of horror, what with every influential musician and celebrity on the planet dropping dead. Then hipsters decided deconstructed burgers were the best thing since somebody randomly threw some bits of salad and bun in the direction of a plate.
All that’s quite apart from my personal adventures which unfolded rather like one of those TV ads that keeps telling you there’s more. Mine involved Bad Things happening faster than I could deal with them. (‘Has that broken you? No? Phew!. But wait, there’s more’.)
So I thought I’d issue my predictions about where the world’s going to go in 2017. We’ll set aside the part about a giant ‘flushing’ sound that tells us where humanity is sending itself, and go straight to the more interesting stuff.
Pulled pork burgers are so 2016. I predict that 2017 will bring ‘overcooked, underflavoured, soggy bits of unidentifiable meat stretched in a bun’. Oh wait, that was pulled pork. Around August, I predict there will be a sudden craze for steak and cheese pie topped with jelly and cream.
I predict that deconstructed drinks will go further in 2017 when customers will be served coffee as a sealed pack of grounds, given a cup and a plunger, and pointed in the direction of the kettle.
I think odds are on that Abba won’t release a new album in 2017 or have a reunion, but Tove Lo will probably tour with some New Zealanders in March.
I predict that the new selfie meme craze of 2017 will involve photographing yourself dangling upside down on the masthead of a small yacht in a hurricane, while holding up a poster left over from Pink Floyd’s 1975 ‘Wish You Were Here’ tour.
People who have been to the Moon
I would predict that Buzz Aldrin will end up briefly in a New Zealand hospital, but that already happened in 2016.
I predict the full moustache-and-beard look will stay in fashion for the hipster set in 2017, like it did in 1863. I know what I said. There will be a brief craze in October when the latest ‘beauty’ measure for women will become the distance between the tip of the nose and the left earlobe.
I predict that every book I write will soar into the top 5 best-seller list. Actually I predict this every year and am usually wrong.
So there you have it folks. My take on 2017. I’m not holding my breath that any of it will come true (apart from Tove Lo touring with Broods), but hey…
Thanks to the Year of Horror I’ve been running this blog for the last while via my phone app in spare moments and relying on posts prepared way back using WordPress’ handy scheduling feature which automatically pushes them out even as my life descends to a heap of wreckage. Regular posts for 2017 will begin in a while. Watch this space.
Copyright © Matthew Wright 2017