How to conquer time with a DeLorean

A short play that I wrote.

As the curtain rises we see Dr CALAMARI at work. He is a typical mad scientist with a shock of hair and a white lab coat, tending to a maze of glass tubes filled with violently boiling liquids.

CALAMARI: Kokol?

His assistant enters. Kokol is a classic 1930s mad-scientist assistant: a hunchback, with google-eyes and a thick accent.

KOKOL: Yes, master?

CALAMARI: Look upon the chaos, Kokol. Our plan to destroy the world is bearing fruit. Muahahahahahahaha!

KOKOL: Master, it is good, despite your donkey noises. Blucher!

CALAMARI: Eh? Eh? Nay, Kokol, we must destroy the future too.

KOKOL: But, master, we are destroying the future already, by definition.

CALAMARI: Don’t bother me with details, Kokol. No. we must travel there and destroy it! Behold!

CALAMARI pulls aside a white cloth, revealing a curious electronic apparatus.

CALAMARI: My Space-Time Capacitator console. With this we can travel through time. Time, Kokol. Time!

KOKOL: But we do not have a DeLorean, master. Shall I obtain one?

CALAMARI: A DeLorean, Kokol?

KOKOL: Yes, Master. A 1982 DMC-12, in particular.

CALAMARI: No, Kokol! No. It’s such a – such a cliché! When we time-travel, we shall do so in style. Bring me a blue police box. No. No. Wait! Bring me a 1971 Volkswagen Type 2 Transporter.

KOKOL: But master – the top speed of the Volkswagen is much less than eighty-eight miles per hour.

CALAMARI: Eighty eight miles an hour? Cliché!

KOKOL: So how does the device work?

CALAMARI: Well, you accelerate to a velocity relative to your starting inertial reference frame, and – voom. Muahahahahahahaha!

KOKOL: And what is the velocity, master?

CALAMARI: Why, it is precisely 141.622 kilometres per hour. Voom! Muahahahahaha!

KOKOL: Of course, master.

CALAMARI: Hmmn. Very well. Bring me – bring me a 1952 Morris 850.

KOKOL: Master, such a vehicle is even slower than the Volkswagen. We need a – [pause] – a DeLorean, perhaps?

CALAMARI: No! I have decided! I want a 1973 Leyland P76.

KOKOL: Master, the P76 was the worst car ever made.

CALAMARI: Nonsense. You mean the Austin Allegro. Now bring me a P76. It’s faster than a DeLorean.

KOKOL: DeLorean? Please.

CALAMARI: P76!

CALAMARI points decisively, KOKOL exits, stage left. Shortly he returns, pushing a step-through motor scooter with a side-car.

KOKOL: I could not find a Leyland P76, master.

CALAMARI buries his face in his hands.

CALAMARI: Kokol, you had one job. I can’t destroy the future and conquer all time while riding a – a Vespa, or whatever that is.

KOKOL: I know where to find a DeLorean, master.

CALAMARI: Of course you do. Oh very well. Bring me the DeLorean then.

Next week: Calamari travels to 2065 and crash-lands on Tracy Island, while Kokol reveals he was once a straight-edge Swedish death metaller. Meanwhile the world is trapped in a Grandfather paradox time-loop.

Copyright © Matthew Wright 2020


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