I spend quite a bit of time wondering about the zombie apocalypse. Like why I and a few drinking buddies will be sole humans out of 7 billion who aren’t turned into zombies? If I put gym treadmills outside every window on my house, will that be enough to stop the zombies coming in, and… More Why ebola puts the zombie apocalypse into proper perspective
We went to the local mall on Sunday. It was packed, of course, with the usual shopping zombies, their minds destroyed by the glitz and glam. Whenever we visit the mall, She Who Must Be Obeyed forbids me to shuffle along behind them, matching their gait and murmuring “braaaaiiins….” Well, I’m not forbidden, but she… More Looking for the missing spirit of Christmas…with zombies…
it’s Christmas again…and that means a visit to (dramatic chord)… The Mall. It’s the same every year. The endless shuffle of zombiefied shoppers, drifting around shiny glass-and-glitz caverns, a mass of humanity with glazed eyes and shopping bags, punctuated by toddlers who lurch aimlessly out from the crowd, shrieking and hyperventilating. There are teenage boys… More Running the zombie Christmas mall gauntlet
Last Sunday my wife and I went to the local mall looking for a pair of trousers. About ten minutes into our slow zombie shuffle with the other shoppers through glitz-riddled corridors of terror I leaned over and murmured to my wife, sotto voce, ‘Brains…braaaaaiiins…’ Alas, the escape code didn’t work. We had to get the… More Shopping for a really spectacular pair of trousers
My sister has a plan for handling the zombie apocalypse when it comes to her home near Utrecht. A scheme for the instant when they burst into her workroom moaning ‘hersenen… heeeeersenen’ (well, they’re Dutch undead…) She’s a fabric artist who dyes and spins artisan-craft wools. The spinning equipment, she tells me, is easily able to defeat the living dead. She hasn’t detailed her… More Heads up folks – are you ready for the zombie apocalypse?
I don’t know if it’s just me, or whether the world is generally a funny place but doesn’t realise it. I went into a fast food franchise the other day and this happened: Me: I’ll have a large caramel sundae to take away, thanks. Attendant: Sure. Small, medium or large? (Actually he said ‘Suresmamedorla”, but… More The epic fail Alan Turing fast food adventure
It’s Christmas again, and yesterday that meant it was time for She Who Must Be Obeyed to drag me off to (drum roll) The Mall. As far as I am concerned malls are vampires that suck money and will-to-live, all glitz-and-mirror with endless rows of cheap jewellery shops, pedicure booths and smartphone outlets. They are… More The 2011 Christmas Zombie Mall Shuffle